Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Remembering

Yesterday was my oldest girls birthday.  I had gained 81 pounds during that pregnancy, I was 20 years old.  She was the only child who got a "themed" nursery, it was Winnie the Pooh and darling.  When I went into labor, my husband and I got into the car, an AMC Javelin-orange with black pin stripes that Daave would love, at 2:00am and the damn battery was dead.  He was 21 years old and freaked out. I did not know that he would die in a wreck one month later and that for the first time in my young life I would discover the power of alcohol to sooth my bitter and aching soul.  The memory of that night with the dead car battery did not come back to me until about 15 years ago and it is now a warm funny memory. Sobriety has allowed me to remember back with a smile instead of the stabbing pain.  I think that God allows a really sweet remembrance to pop in my head every now and then to show me that there was a lot of good before the bad started.  Anyway, my daughters birthday is always bitter sweet for me. 

I am grateful that God took my hand and lead me out of the self imposed hell I was living in and that bitterness is not a part of my life today.  That "no fair" is no longer in my vocabulary.  That God could and would if her were sought.

8 comments:

Mary Christine said...

Pammie, to be able to smile about our memories is a great gift.

An old lady in AA (probably younger than I am now) told me once "in the end, all you have is your memories... make sure they are good ones."

Anonymous said...

I had an AMC Hornet (orange) that I adored :-)

You have come so far since the 20 year old girl. My heart hurt when you wrote of your husband passing one month later. God bless your recovered soul dear Pammie.

Mary LA said...

This brought me out in chills, Pam. I'm so glad you have those good memories. And your faith.

dAAve said...

As I was reading, I was thinking "cool car" even before you mentioned me. LOL. An orange Javelin. Would love to have THAT today.

I love all the memories, both the good and the bad. They are all a part of me.

Anonymous said...

I love remembering when my kids were born..I was scared as hell, but yes, now they are good memories.

thanks for jogging the old braino!

Annette said...

Our birth stories are amazing stories. The biggest miracles I have ever been a direct part of.

Bless you Pam for sharing... the part about your husband dying so young made me sad for you. A tremendous loss to manage for a young new mom.

Syd said...

Such a rough time for you back then, Pam. I cannot imagine losing a spouse so suddenly. I am glad that the memories are not painful today. I have a few that are tender but realize that I don't have to relive those now.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

You reminded me of another amazingly strong woman I met, my first mother in law. She lost her husband to a car accident having moved to a new town in a new state 1 month before and 2 weeks after having twins... TWINS!

I cannot tell you how much I admire the strength and love of women who are able to raise children and keep jobs and continue to live life like that. She never re-married. And I used to hold such grudges...

What an awesome lady you are Pammie! XOXOXO