Monday, November 28, 2011

Me, Posting at night

Oh Lord help me, because I want to write this.

Dear loving caring parents, grandparents, spouses, brothers and sisters and BFFs of drug addicts,

I'm so very sorry that you just don't "get it."  I can't think of anyone besides the addict themselves who wants to "get it" more than you guys.

When every fiber of my being did not want to use drugs, I used them anyway.  When every desire of my heart was to be a loving mother, I used drugs anyway.  The "getting clean" part was the easy easy easy part.  It's the damage done, the warped brain, that one is left with, that is the problem.

So many hurting people out there are trying so many ways, books, rehabs, doctors, threats, promises....on and on....to get the addict that they love deeply.......clean and sober.  A clean and sober addict is still an addict.  They are still left with the damage, the warped brain.  We will never again be the person someone knew at the age of 10, 12, 20 etc.  We will only be a clean and sober damaged person, and it HURTS SO BAD to realize the people we have damaged as well.

I had an idyllic childhood, two wonderful parents and I did not give a second thought to picking up the pipe, the needle, the booze.  Not a second thought.  Something was always wrong with me on the inside and although I am happy, contented and well adjusted today by most standards, I can honestly say that I have only felt "right" on the inside during my years of drug use.  And there have been many times during the 20 years and 4 months of my sobriety that my very core spirit wanted nothing more than to have just ten minutes of "feeling right" again......before it all went so horribly wrong.

This is what I know from my experience, there is no human power out there, no laws, courts, police, parents, children, spouses, rehabs, doctors, threats, or promises of any kind that would have convinced me to remain sober this long.  There was no happy ending to a story just because I got sober. I wake up every single morning with a plea to God to keep me clean and sober for this day.  I strive to please God in my thoughts and actions.  I make amends where necessary, and practice the golden rule.  But most important of all for me, is I ask God to help me see every suffering addict in the same light as he does.  I pray for the gift of compassion, for the willingness to overcome judgements, and frustrations with the new comer.

This is not quite where I was going with this......I want to somehow tell the normal people out there to lighten up on yourselves because you aren't that powerful, you can not do anything to change the damage, you can't fix the limp.  Your life is valuable to God and it is OK, I believe, to not sacrifice so much of your life for the addict because all your love is not what's missing for the addict.  If the only thing standing between drug addiction and sobriety was the addict needing love and support.......well damn, just about everyone would be clean and sober.  Just do what you can live with, you can't mess an addict up, but you can ruin your own life trying to tip toe around doing the next right thing with them.  I was just as happy doing dope behind a dumpster as I was in a 5 star hotel room someone had paid for.

Seek God. Stay in the Day. I wish everyone peace and........sigh........I really don't know the words for what I'm trying to say with this blog post.

18 comments:

shadow0301 said...

I think you did a wonderful job! I'm working on 3+ years of being sober,living sober. I have a great husband who has stood by me. We talk about it,he try's to understand but he can't sometime I can't understand it. So Thank You A loyal reader.

Mary LA said...

Hearing you, Pam.

dAAve said...

A good reminder for many of us, whichever side of the coin we're on.

Kristin H. said...

I hear you, too.

Syd said...

Pam, this is awesome. I will link to this today because frankly, I am too sad to say much. You are the bomb.

Mary Christine said...

It hurts to watch people who are hurting so much.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Peace, love and hugs to you as well Pammie!

I love what you write at all times, makes me feel connected to others (you) who think and feel as I do... and it's nice in the feeling of odd, not to feel alone anymore.

Lou said...

The thought of only feeling right when you are "altered" is so sad. Now I'm sad AND mad. And disappointed. And weary.

I'm grateful for people like you who help others like you. God made everyone special.

Anonymous said...

i read your posts everyday for insight into myself and into the life of my addict son. this by far has been the most awesome thing you have written...for me. everything you write is excellent but i'd love to read this to my families anon group tonight. the strong urges you speak of to use drugs is not unlike the strong urge every parent has to help their child. just as you pray to God to not act on those urges, i too must pray to not act on mine and enable. thank you for helping me save MY life.

Anonymous said...

thank you, thank you, thank you! God's perfect timing? Just perfectly timed. Spot on, straight to my heart. and to Jess who said "... and it's nice in the feeling of odd, not to feel alone anymore." now I need to go thank Syd for showing my the way here. Peace and joy

Annette said...

Oh Pam....this is a jackpot post. The part that really hit home with me is never "feeling right" unless you were using. God, that is so sad and that describes my daughter. I can't tell you the times she has screamed that at me..."this makes me feel normal and you want to take it away from me!"

The part of me lacking the power to heal her was pretty good too. ;o)

Thank you and bless you. I can't tell you how grateful I am to get to read your words everyday.

Mike Golch said...

I came for a vist from Syd,I like your blog.

Anonymous said...

Just the thoughts, I needed to hear right now. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

What a powerful post!!! Thank you for taking the time to type out how you feel. Your feelings were so clearly stated that I had a real aha moment.

Barbara said...

Omygosh, this is sooooooooo helpful and so important. I am going to repost it.

Trailboss said...

I have been thinking of you lately Pam. Very well said.

Maija said...

Thank you so much for this enlightening post Pam. I need to really try and understand my addict, and be patient with him.
Stay well!!!

Erin said...

I cannot even put into words how much this post meant to me, thank you so much, this is the most helpful thing that I have read in the year and a half that I have been reading blogs.