Oh Lord help me, because I want to write this.
Dear loving caring parents, grandparents, spouses, brothers and sisters and BFFs of drug addicts,
I'm so very sorry that you just don't "get it." I can't think of anyone besides the addict themselves who wants to "get it" more than you guys.
When every fiber of my being did not want to use drugs, I used them anyway. When every desire of my heart was to be a loving mother, I used drugs anyway. The "getting clean" part was the easy easy easy part. It's the damage done, the warped brain, that one is left with, that is the problem.
So many hurting people out there are trying so many ways, books, rehabs, doctors, threats, promises....on and on....to get the addict that they love deeply.......clean and sober. A clean and sober addict is still an addict. They are still left with the damage, the warped brain. We will never again be the person someone knew at the age of 10, 12, 20 etc. We will only be a clean and sober damaged person, and it HURTS SO BAD to realize the people we have damaged as well.
I had an idyllic childhood, two wonderful parents and I did not give a second thought to picking up the pipe, the needle, the booze. Not a second thought. Something was always wrong with me on the inside and although I am happy, contented and well adjusted today by most standards, I can honestly say that I have only felt "right" on the inside during my years of drug use. And there have been many times during the 20 years and 4 months of my sobriety that my very core spirit wanted nothing more than to have just ten minutes of "feeling right" again......before it all went so horribly wrong.
This is what I know from my experience, there is no human power out there, no laws, courts, police, parents, children, spouses, rehabs, doctors, threats, or promises of any kind that would have convinced me to remain sober this long. There was no happy ending to a story just because I got sober. I wake up every single morning with a plea to God to keep me clean and sober for this day. I strive to please God in my thoughts and actions. I make amends where necessary, and practice the golden rule. But most important of all for me, is I ask God to help me see every suffering addict in the same light as he does. I pray for the gift of compassion, for the willingness to overcome judgements, and frustrations with the new comer.
This is not quite where I was going with this......I want to somehow tell the normal people out there to lighten up on yourselves because you aren't that powerful, you can not do anything to change the damage, you can't fix the limp. Your life is valuable to God and it is OK, I believe, to not sacrifice so much of your life for the addict because all your love is not what's missing for the addict. If the only thing standing between drug addiction and sobriety was the addict needing love and support.......well damn, just about everyone would be clean and sober. Just do what you can live with, you can't mess an addict up, but you can ruin your own life trying to tip toe around doing the next right thing with them. I was just as happy doing dope behind a dumpster as I was in a 5 star hotel room someone had paid for.
Seek God. Stay in the Day. I wish everyone peace and........sigh........I really don't know the words for what I'm trying to say with this blog post.