Monday, November 28, 2011

Over riding the dope voice

I have decided that four day weekends spent at home is the way to feel revitalized and I am going to plan several these little mini vacas for next year.

Yesterday was my 7th wedding anniversary and we ate all day from a fabulous 15 bean soup that my husband made, and we lit the fireplace for the first time this season, and we went to our local ice cream parlor and had hot fudge sundaes.  Good livin'.

I read a lot of blogs yesterday. I broke down and left a long comment to the mother of an addict and feel a little regretful about it this morning.  Who am I?  Who am I to tell another mother what they should do?  It is important to tell fellow addicts/alcoholics and their loved ones that this is MY experience, I hope I made that part clear.

Fear based living is the hardest place to be, the most difficult place to recognize the true from the false.  Those of us in a 12 step program know the passage well that speaks about the inability to differentiate the true from the false.  How in the world can we expect a "normie" to understand this concept?  So many times a normie is sitting in that exact same place, in the "unable to differentiate" place.  It is an awful place to be when we can not even trust our own instincts or the quiet voice inside ourselves.

My heart continues to hurt for the alcoholic the drug addict and all those around them caught up in the web.

I can say with certainty that in my experience, God loves the weary, the alcoholic, the addict, the hurting heart of a mother.  At twenty years clean and sober, I still have to depend on him to relieve me of the obsession in my mind that tells me that dope will make me feel better today.  My mind has never changed, the mind talk is still there and that's the voice I have to give to God everyday.  That's the voice I use to connect with other hurting addicts who can not find a way to drown the voice out.  I can say "yes, I know that voice" to the newcomer and say "if you are sick of that voice, I can tell help you through the steps that will help you connect to God, who is always always willing to over-ride the voice for you."

Sorry, a little wordy today.  Peace Out.


dAAve said...

Wordy is good when those words need sayin'.
Have a lovely day Ms Pammie!

Marcia said...

Peace in your soul, Pammie.

Syd said...

I read your comment to the hurting mother. I re-read it again and again. It was what I needed to read and to understand.
Thanks Pammie, for being here, for sharing and for being who you are.

Mary LA said...

I read your comment too Pam and it is all heart and bitter experience. So much wisdom there.

A soup with 15 beans? Yum. Beans means fartz though so be prepared!

Mary Christine said...

I missed your comment, but I trust you to have been loving in leaving it. Because that is who you are.

Kristin H. said...

That is the great wonder for me. The fact that no matter how long I stay sober, that 'voice' is still in my head telling me that just one drink will take care of it all. A daily reprieve is all we have.

Have a good Monday, Pam.

Lou said...

I knew you were getting ready to blow...LOL

Seriously, it was written with love/common sense/experience/hope.

But you told me once, no matter how many times we are told, we parents do not believe it. It must be lived, it must be felt in the gut to be believed. That doesn't mean you should stop telling it like it is.


Annette said...

I read your comment too, multiple times for my own benefit. I had my husband come over to the computer to read it too. It was very needed by more than just that one heart broken mama. God used you Pam....I am certain of that.

Happy Anniversary... xoxo

Barbara said...

Pammie, I'm pretty sure you're talking about the comment you wrote me :) All I can say is THANK YOU. I forwarded it to my sister along with several other comments left (she helped me raise Keven). What you say matters SO MUCH. I feel like I have this wall surrounding my brain (with the word "denial" in graffiti all over it). When I hear things I need to hear, I tear down part of the wall to let it in, but the damn wall is so thick. Please don't ever stop leaving comments. It helped me immensely and I have made some new and better decisions because of what you and Bugerlugs wrote to me.

Happy Anniversary - it doesn't get much better than homemade bean soup, a fire, a hot fudge sundae and the one you love!

Anonymous said...

Just a note to say thank you, I move to another country and do not have the same type of meeting like where I got sober. I have been here six month and have heard anything about fear and the voice that's in my head. I really NEED to HEAR it TODAY! So THANK YOU