Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I guess I'm on a roll until the roll ends

I want to try to continue my thoughts on all this stuffolla schmolla but it's so jumbled for some reason.  Sometimes when I read blogs from the other half or normies or what ever you want to call them folks, I start feeling so defensive.  I know this emotion is not rational and I know it's not me against you, us against them, but it does feel like that sometimes.  It's especially strange for me because I am also the mother of an addict so I have been and remain in both fields of play.

One of the feelings that I used to have in my addiction so overwhelmingly was "if you don't want to ride this train with me then get the fuck off."  If  I have made you worry and fret and ruined your life and finances then get the fuck off my train because I'm gonna ride it to the end.  If you don't want to be a part of my train wreck then walk the fuck away.  But don't fuckin blame me for your misery when I am spelling it out to you as clearly as possible what I am gonna do!  Does this make sense to you normal people?  I felt that if you are going to sit behind me on the train and continue to tell me that I am killing myself that maybe you need to wake up and see that at least I have the insight to ride the damn train in a state of numbness, you on the other hand are riding the same ass train.......stone cold sober.  And I think ye an idiot.

So much of what I'm reading is reminding me of those feelings I had.  They are uncomfortable but not painful.  Oh and I don't think any of you are idiots.

14 comments:

Mary LA said...

I'm like you Pam in that I grew up with an alcoholic mother who eventually committed suicide and I kept trying to work out what would make her happy enough not to need to take Valium or alcohol. And then I became alcoholic myself, so I've seen both sides.

The idea that alcoholics or addicts don't suffer terribly or as much as those around them is nonsense to me. I wish there was a deeper and more compassionate understanding of addiction. But unfortunately there isn't. The same has been true of mental illness -- people believing that those in psychosis or mania are 'happy'. It is hard to live with a family member who is mentally ill and not blame them, near impossible to live with an alcoholic and addict and not blame. Choice is impaired and that is that.

Annette said...

Gosh, I don't know what to say....guilty as charged. I have definitely ridden the crazy train by my own choice with my daughter, begging her to get off with me. Yep, it never worked.

bugerlugs63 said...

Spot on. You most definitely are on a roll. You are helping a lot of people to see things in a new light. Quite brilliant.

dAAve said...

Where is your train headed? The mountains are nice this time of year.

Marcia said...

sometimes, when normies jump off the train, other normies will run up to them and say, "why didn't you DO something?" not realizing that jumping was the last and most difficult thing TO do.

Syd said...

I am glad that I got off the train before the last station. I don't know many people who are "normal". Most are fucked up in some way. The sad part to me is that so many people, both sober and not, need 12 step programs but just keep riding that train. There are days that I want to write on some of the blogs, "How much more abuse do you want?" But I guess, the enablers and deniers will keep riding until they figure out the train is heading for a crash.

Pammie said...

Oh Marcia...that is so true!!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I'm pretty sure this feeling this awful diseased attitude has been back in me a couple times in the last 2 days. I have felt out of control and in that a fear has risen that I don't often feel.

Yesterday it was at such a fevered pitch that I felt the RAWNESS of every nerve. I got down on my knees, called my sponsor, and got down on my knees again.

Thankfully, with prayers and being honest with someone, I was able to put one foot in front of the other, not do damage and actually accomplish a couple of small things.

Tonight, a meeting I love with friends.

Today, phone calls to people I haven't called in a while, just to check in to see how THEY are doing.

Now, thankful to you for your posts over the last couple of days and that I have been able to read them.

And grateful to God as he expresses himself through you people and the world today. I live in a miracle!

Mary Christine said...

I couldn't leave a comment last night... but I tried!

I am feeling defensive too. Suddenly there seems to be a huge chasm between us, and that is sad.

Christina said...

Relationship addiction is JUST as baffling, powerful and cunning as drug, alcohol, gambling, sex, food etc etc etc addiction.

If *we*, or I, had the power to get off that train earlier, I would have. Same disease as yours, just a different strain.

Lou said...

I feel defensive sometimes. It's hard not to, we are opening ourselves up to a lot of different opinions. In the long run, the differing viewpoints have helped me find my way.

I can't understand others hearts, their motivations. I have learned we all have some basic needs. If I was spinning out of control, and felt that NO one gave a crap either way, I would feel even more hopeless. I could be totally wrong.

I hope I did not hurt you. I know I have written things that hurt Andrew. But then, I'm probably just being defensive...

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean! That's why I cut my parents and mentors and old friends out of my life. I want to do what I want to do and I'm not going to let anyone stop me from trying to be happy. I've finally found a way to feel normal. Better. Probably as close to peaceful as I'll ever be. I've finally found a way to make all the bad things in life okay because I have something to look forward to in the morning and at work and when I get home. I need that. And now that I've found it I'm never ever going to let it go. And no matter how much I told everyone in my life that I didn't care what they thought about what I did or how they felt about my values or opinions, no matter how much I told them that I wasn't going to quit and if they didn't like it they could just leave, they wouldn't. They flat out refused. And not only that but they did everything they could think of to ruin my life and try to force me to do what they wanted me to do. And not only did I find that really rude and disrespectful, but it didn't do any good. In fact, it just made me want to do what I wanted to do even more out of spite and rebellion and the survival instinct. It was driving me crazy and it was driving them crazy and then they kept acting like it was my fault they were unhappy. And I was like, actually you can blame me all you want but really it's your fault. I gave you a fair warning. You're the ones banging your heads against the wall when I told you it would hurt. I warned you that it wouldn't get you anywhere and you didn't listen. But I also felt kind of bad for them because I was perfectly fine... when they weren't fucking pestering me and interfering in my life at least. So finally I had to cut them out of them my life not just for my sanity but for theirs as well. The point is that they were a buzz kill. And that's all I want. And you know what? From what I've heard, it sounds like they're actually doing a lot better. Like life has become a little more peaceful or normal or consistent or something. In fact, sounds like they're actually pretty happy these days. And I am too. Because I'm not really alone - I have vodka to keep me company lol. We're a team. I don't need anyone else. Anyway yea. I totally get what you're talking about.

Annette said...

This morning the thought that is running through my mind is, "Get the fuck off!" LOL Thank you Pam....maybe that is what I needed to hear.

madyson007 said...

Sometimes you write the very best posts!