Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Best of My Ability
I've had more than one mental health professional tell me that I was raising my kids (in my addiction) to the best of my ability at the time. I've told hundreds of women the same thing myself while listening to the all familiar gut wrenching memory tapes of guilt and shame. What I want to know is why was my ability so damn lousy? I know exactly what to do now (I think) and it's too late, they are all grown. I would also like for this not to be the first question to God every morning as well. My adult children are struggling so hard with life and accepting the responsibility for their inadequate upbringing has done nothing to sooth the shame. If I forget about my "burden of guilt" for even one day it makes the following day that much worse. In my heart...it feels like there must be some kind of justice for them....and if I suffer hard enough, long enough then maybe that is some kind of retribution. Of course I never tell them any of this because they love me and it would hurt them for me to hurt. It's just this "feeling" that shouts "SOMEONE MUST PAY" for the crap ass life these kids were drug through. That "someone" is me. Writing this, I know it's seems convoluted and somewhat masochistic.....but it's genuine and I guess years from now some mental health professional will be telling me that I was living this day to the best of my ability....no matter how lousy my ability seems to be.