I have been playing host to a very bad crowd. They have set up housekeeping in my head and because they seemed so cool and fun, I decided to set up camp with them and join in. It seems however, that it is a very difficult club to leave. I may have to fight my way out. I could ask for help, but well, that's laughable right?
This genderless voice moved in to my brain right before Christmas. When anything unpleasant came up like not picking up a cigarette or not secretly eating or paying bills or cleaning house, etc. it would say, in the coolest voice; "phew, fuck that shit. fuck 'em all." It started making me feel brave, then sort of bad ass. Yeah, I would think to myself, hell yeah, fuck that shit, I can do what I want, fuck 'em all. Oh we became very good friends and four months after my COPD diagnoses, I began to smoke again and twice as much as before. Because......well, fuck 'em all. I then gained 50 lbs. mostly from secretly eating. I did not eat alone, I was with Mr. Fuck 'em all. He's so accepting of my flaws. He's so non-judgmental. He scares the shit out of me.
I am just fighting a demon but strangely enough I really like him.....cause "fuck that shit" is sort of an easy way to live......until it isn't.