The voice in my head is a dick. It is never on my side, never EVER wants what is good for me. I can remember many years ago, actually having arguments and debates with the dick voice. I no longer waste my time arguing with it, it always wins.
The dick voice is the one who came up with elaborate, fascinating, persuasive arguments about how smoking crack was a damn good idea. The dick voice was louder than any band in any bar telling me that one more drink would finally get me the perfect buzz.
I have been so sick with this chest crap and asthma. The dick voice is demanding a cigarette every ten minutes and sometimes when I'm on the breathing machine. The dick can't seem to "cope" with illness without a smoke.
I told the dick voice last night that I think I could die if I keep on smoking like this.......I can't do the walk up the stairs to go to bed. I told the dick voice that I have to do it this time. I have to. The dick panicked and immediately wanted to sit down with a cigarette and go over a plan to cut down or taper off. It suggested doubling up on the breathing machine and having time to get one cigarette in before my breathing became labored again. The damn dick got so scared that it pulled out the big bazooka gun and reminded me very loudly........."you've had to give up everything that helps...no booze, no pills, no weed, no good dope. You're never late for work, never change lanes with out signalling, do all the laundry, shopping and cleaning in the house....my god, you're almost a saint....girl and you deserve this one thing that you love!"
I only know one voice that can hush the dick voice, that can argue when I feel like giving in, that will stand up for me and what my needs are. So, I've given my smoking over to God and I will take it one day at a time. I'm so freakin' powerless over this.