Sunday, September 23, 2012

I Cannot Breath

The voice in my head is a dick. It is never on my side, never EVER wants what is good for me.  I can remember many years ago, actually having arguments and debates with the dick voice.  I no longer waste my time arguing with it, it always wins.

The dick voice is the one who came up with elaborate, fascinating, persuasive arguments about how smoking crack was a damn good idea.  The dick voice was louder than any band in any bar telling me that one more drink would finally get me the perfect buzz.

I have been so sick with this chest crap and asthma.  The dick voice is demanding a cigarette every ten minutes and sometimes when I'm on the breathing machine.  The dick can't seem to "cope" with illness without a smoke.

I told the dick voice last night that I think I could die if I keep on smoking like this.......I can't do the walk up the stairs to go to bed.  I told the dick voice that I have to do it this time.  I have to.  The dick panicked and immediately wanted to sit down with a cigarette and go over a plan to cut down or taper off.  It suggested doubling up on the breathing machine and having time to get one cigarette in before my breathing became labored again.  The damn dick got so scared that it pulled out the big bazooka gun and reminded me very loudly........."you've had to give up everything that helps...no booze, no pills, no weed, no good dope. You're never late for work, never change lanes with out signalling, do all the laundry, shopping and cleaning in the house....my god, you're almost a saint....girl and you deserve this one thing that you love!"

I only know one voice that can hush the dick voice, that can argue when I feel like giving in, that will stand up for me and what my needs are.  So, I've given my smoking over to God and I will take it one day at a time.  I'm so freakin' powerless over this.


20 comments:

luluberoo said...

Quitting smoking is very, very difficult. One of the hardest habits.

Andrew used the patch when he quit. He was a heavy smoker too. Even if you have tried it before, maybe it's worth another go.

dAAve said...

I certainly understand.
If you recall, I smoked for 36 years @ 3 packs/day. I NEVER intended to stop. I would go to my grave with a drink in one hand and a Marlboro Light in the other.
But my HP had a different idea.
And Scott introduced me to THE BOOK.
"The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" by Alan Carr.
It worked. But I had to participate in stopping.

Marcia said...

I think Dick hangs out in a lot of our heads. God's space is bigger though.

Annette said...

Oh Pammie, I would come and sit with you if I lived anywhere near Texas. I could do your dishes and straighten up, I would help you upstairs to bed, and I would pull out some Nicorette gum from my purse and say, "Hey, look what I found!" ...but other than that, I would mind my own business on that cigarette business. (Thanks for your sweet comment this morning.) I hope you are feeling better soon. I am a little worried....

Annette said...

PS: I could also kick Dick's ass into next week if you would like.

soberinoctober said...

Smoking is a bitch, Pam. While I had little difficulty with quitting, I am surrounded by friends and family who haven't been able to. I see their struggles and I pray. Because really, it comes down to turning it over to God.

I have added you to my list of people to pray for.

Go with God, Sweetie. He's got you.

Mary Christine said...

Here's what I would say to that dick - get the hell out of my Pammie's head. But only you can throw him out. Like you threw out all that other stuff.

Give it to God, your part is to not stick a cigarette in your mouth and light it. After a couple of days it isn't even hard. That is, if you don't find a substitute nicotene delivery system, e.g., patch or gum. Just quit Pammie, you can do it.

bugerlugs63 said...

I can relate to this. My head is filled with nonsense like this regarding Heroin. I keep losing the fight.
I do feel for you, I know how scarey it is when we can't breathe.
You and God beat all the other crap, you can do this.
I hope and pray you'll feel better real soon x

Syd said...

Good luck, Pam. I know that you and your HP can kick Dick into the gutter. I smiled about the dick voice.

Mary LA said...

Sending you love and wanting you to get better. To hell with that dick voice.

Hope said...

I hope you feel better soon, Pammie.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Amen! And three cheers for dickless wonders! :D ok that might have been a little sappy, but I've had a hell of a time with the dick lately too! What an asshole he is, that constant and incessant chatter he provides ...unwanted, uninvited and unhelpful!

:P tpppppbbbbbtttt to him!

Mary Christine said...

Just thinking about Pammie. Hope you're OK.

Kary May said...

Are you okay? Thinking about you and asking God to shoot you some strength on the smoking battle.

Patty said...

I have the same voice, Pammie. Day three of not smoking. No chantix this time, it sucks, but I know it will pass and I will feel better.

قمم التميز said...

شركة تنظيف بالدمام
شركة تنظيف منازل بالدمام
شركة تنظيف بيوت بالدمام
شركة تنظيف فلل بالدمام
شركة تنظيف شقق بالدمام
شركة تنظيف خزانات بالدمام
شركة جلى بلاط بالدمام
شركة تنظيف بالخبر
شركة تنظيف منازل بالخبر
شركة تنظيف بيوت بالخبر
شركة تنظيف فلل بالخبر
شركة تنظيف شقق بالخبر
شركة تنظيف خزانات بالخبر
شركة جلى بلاط بالخبر
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام
شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالدمام
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالخبر
شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالخبر


قمم تميز said...

شركة المثالية للتنظيف
شركة المثالية للتنظيف بالدمام
شركة المثالية للتنظيف بالخبر
المثالية للتنظيف
شركة المثالية للتنظيف بالجبيل
شركة المثالية للتنظيف بالقطيف
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الفلل بالدمام
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الفلل بالخبر
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الفلل بالجبيل
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الفلل بالقطيف

قمم تميز said...

المثالية لتنظيف الفلل
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الشقق بالدمام
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الشقق بالخبر
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الشقق بالجبيل
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الشقق بالقطيف
شركة المثالية لتنظيف المنازل بالدمام
شركة المثالية لتنظيف المنازل بالخبر
شركة المثالية لتنظيف المنازل بالجبيل
شركة المثالية لتنظيف المنازل بالقطيف
المثالية لتنظيف المنازل
رقم المثالية للتنظيف

قمم تميز said...

رقم المثالية لتنظيف المنازل
شركة المثالية للنظافة
شركة المثالية لمكافحة الحشرات بالدمام
شركة المثالية لمكافحة الحشرات بالخبر
شركة المثالية لمكافحة الحشرات بالجبيل
شركة المثالية لمكافحة الحشرات بالقطيف
شركة المثالية لمكافحة النمل الابيض بالدمام
شركة المثالية لمكافحة النمل الابيض بالخبر
شركة المثالية لمكافحة النمل الابيض بالجبيل

قمم تميز said...

ترميم فلل ومنازل
شركة مكافحة الفئران بالدمام
شركة مكافحة الفئران بالخبر
شركة مكافحة الصراصير بالدمام
شركة مكافحة الصراصير بالخبر
شركة انشاء مسابح بالدمام
شركة انشاء مسابح بالخبر
شركة صيانة مسابح بالدمام
شركة صيانة مسابح بالخبر
شركة تسليك مجارى بالجبيل
شركة تسليك مجارى بالقطيف
شركة طيوب للمجارى
شركة طيوب لتسليك المجارى