Saturday, April 7, 2012

God heard me

For the last couple of nights I have had such trouble falling asleep.  My mind keeps digging up old horrible things I did, said and saw before I got sober.  I don't want to think about any of it but yet I keep re-enacting scenes from awful times.  I understand the concept of morbid reflection but I'm remembering it in my gut more than my head.  How could I have done some of that stuff?  What was I thinking?  Who the hell was I?  I don't ever get an answer.  I am just so so very sorry.  When you are on a life or death mission to score dope, you see some things that don't ever leave your head. You see some things that are vile and unspeakable. I want to put that to rest somewhere but some nights it just swims to the top of my consciousness and causes me such grief.

How do some people seem to "get over" the gratitude of no longer living that way?  I know Gods' grace.  I hope I never wake up one morning and think that I did some great thing that turned my life from despair to joy.  I am full of gratitude after the "remembering" of the past.  God saw me.  God heard me.  God changed me.

14 comments:

Syd said...

I'm glad, Pammie.

Lou said...

I now see there are some events the addict will never "get over". It happened, it hurt, it hurt others..there were serious and awful consequences. It's part of their life, their history. But it shaped them, and people I know in TRUE recovery are better for it.

What about the 98% non-addicts, and the shameful things we have done? We should learn as much from these events, as the addict. Sadly, since we were of "sound mind" most of us just blame it on the other guy.

Mary Christine said...

Pammie, I am also grateful that you God changed you - you are such a beautiful person.

Thank God we remember this crap, because we might start believing that we are doing this on our own and that it "wasn't really that bad."

Whenever I hear a person say "sobriety is not enough" I think - wow, you must not have drank like I did because it IS definitely enough for me. And most days, I get a lot more than that, but I am happy enough with "just" sobriety.

Amber said...

I totally understand what ur talking about. For years I struggled with the "late night" beady braining about my past & the horrible things i did & saw. After getting sober, I have been blessed from having those late night thoughts. Occasionally they creep up on me. This week was the 10 yr anniversary of my moms death. I had so many flashbacks of my horrible behavior while she was dying. Too high on meth to take care of her after a chemo visit, forgot to take her to a doctors appt etc etc. Those memories are hard for me to shake & sometimes i cry because of it. But, i know im now the person she wld want me to be & is very proud of her baby. When i struggle with the past, i remind myself how far i have come & how i wld never behave like that again. It sucks, but i guess when you have a "checkered" past, we will always have flashbacks of the bad times. You're a great person & help so many people with ur blog.

Marcia said...

There is so much hope in being heard.

Anna said...

I would forgive my daughter every single transgression. I would rejoice in her sobriety as I am sure that your loved ones rejoice in yours. Happy Easter and God Bless YOU.

Mary LA said...

Pam, you are a beautiful person. I don't believe you did half the mad crazy stuff I did, and I angst enough about that late at night.

Glad we're on the same journey.

Mrs D said...

But look where you are now! You changed it. That's fantastic. xxx

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Sometimes my brain sets aside the horror, then when I get to a detox center or have a particularly bad day or week, I begin to resent life.

I pray

That is the only thing I will/should take credit for, I ask God...

And He has continually showed up and showed me the life I once had just enough to show me the life I have now, in His Grace and service.

I am grateful today!

قمم التميز said...

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شركة تنظيف منازل بالدمام
شركة تنظيف بيوت بالدمام
شركة تنظيف فلل بالدمام
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شركة تنظيف خزانات بالدمام
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شركة تنظيف بالخبر
شركة تنظيف منازل بالخبر
شركة تنظيف بيوت بالخبر
شركة تنظيف فلل بالخبر
شركة تنظيف شقق بالخبر
شركة تنظيف خزانات بالخبر
شركة جلى بلاط بالخبر
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام
شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالدمام
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالخبر
شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالخبر


قمم تميز said...

شركة المثالية للتنظيف
شركة المثالية للتنظيف بالدمام
شركة المثالية للتنظيف بالخبر
المثالية للتنظيف
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شركة المثالية لتنظيف الفلل بالدمام
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شركة المثالية لتنظيف الفلل بالجبيل
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الفلل بالقطيف

قمم تميز said...

المثالية لتنظيف الفلل
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الشقق بالدمام
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الشقق بالخبر
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الشقق بالجبيل
شركة المثالية لتنظيف الشقق بالقطيف
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شركة المثالية لتنظيف المنازل بالخبر
شركة المثالية لتنظيف المنازل بالجبيل
شركة المثالية لتنظيف المنازل بالقطيف
المثالية لتنظيف المنازل
رقم المثالية للتنظيف

قمم تميز said...

رقم المثالية لتنظيف المنازل
شركة المثالية للنظافة
شركة المثالية لمكافحة الحشرات بالدمام
شركة المثالية لمكافحة الحشرات بالخبر
شركة المثالية لمكافحة الحشرات بالجبيل
شركة المثالية لمكافحة الحشرات بالقطيف
شركة المثالية لمكافحة النمل الابيض بالدمام
شركة المثالية لمكافحة النمل الابيض بالخبر
شركة المثالية لمكافحة النمل الابيض بالجبيل

قمم تميز said...

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شركة المثالية لمكافحة النمل الابيض
المثالية لمكافحة النمل الابيض
المثالية لمكافحة الحشرات
شركة مكافحة الحمام بالدمام
شركة مكافحة الحمام بالخبر
شركة مكافحة الحمام بالجبيل
شركة مكافحة الحمام بالقطيف
شركة ترميم فلل منازل بالدمام
شركة ترميم منازل فلل بالخبر