For the last couple of nights I have had such trouble falling asleep. My mind keeps digging up old horrible things I did, said and saw before I got sober. I don't want to think about any of it but yet I keep re-enacting scenes from awful times. I understand the concept of morbid reflection but I'm remembering it in my gut more than my head. How could I have done some of that stuff? What was I thinking? Who the hell was I? I don't ever get an answer. I am just so so very sorry. When you are on a life or death mission to score dope, you see some things that don't ever leave your head. You see some things that are vile and unspeakable. I want to put that to rest somewhere but some nights it just swims to the top of my consciousness and causes me such grief.
How do some people seem to "get over" the gratitude of no longer living that way? I know Gods' grace. I hope I never wake up one morning and think that I did some great thing that turned my life from despair to joy. I am full of gratitude after the "remembering" of the past. God saw me. God heard me. God changed me.