Computer glitch yesterday would not let me on, I don't remember if I had anything brilliant to say or not.
I'm going to sober daughters house every day this week to help(?) She has no idea that sitting with her in the middle of a stressful workday is not my idea of "time off for lunch." Walking into her house, I can just feel all the joy being sucked right out of me and all my animation of smiles and soothing words is like pulling an anchor out of the mud. She is hitting a self pity phase that truth be told, I think she is actually entitled to so I have to be very very careful. Yesterday she told me some awful gut wrenching stuff that happened ten years ago. It is things that I don't know how she has lived with on her shoulders and I did not ever want to know. My childs brain works against her at every step and it is so frustrating that my enemy, my pain giver, is inside my childs head and is her pain giver as well. God bless her precious heart.....please.
I owe an amends to an old friend whose sober birthday I missed. I'm not wanting to make the call because I feel ashamed for missing it and ashamed that I lied about why I missed it. I am telling you this because "MY" pattern is to allow myself to get bogged down in situations that bring me pain because somewhere in my heart I feel that when "daughter" is in pain it is wrong for me to be happy. I am writing that for the sole benefit of co-dependents who need to know they are not alone. It is the feeling that it is somehow unfair for us to enjoy any blessings in life when our loved one seems to be receiving none. I strive for joy and peace in my life and then feel guilty as hell when I get it.
I truly believe that God knows these things and understands the pain in human emotions. He soothes my spirit and gives me the peace in my heart that crave so I can go hit the shower, and start a new day and a new trip to daughters house. I believe in miracles.