Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Frustration and joy

Computer glitch yesterday would not let me on, I don't remember if I had anything brilliant to say or not.

I'm going to sober daughters house every day this week to help(?)  She has no idea that sitting with her in the middle of a stressful workday is not my idea of "time off for lunch."  Walking into her house, I can just feel all the joy being sucked right out of me and all my animation of smiles and soothing words is like pulling an anchor out of the mud.  She is hitting a self pity phase that truth be told, I think she is actually entitled to so I have to be very very careful.  Yesterday she told me some awful gut wrenching stuff that happened ten years ago.  It is things that I don't know how she has lived with on her shoulders and I did not ever want to know.  My childs brain works against her at every step and it is so frustrating that my enemy, my pain giver, is inside my childs head and is her pain giver as well.  God bless her precious heart.....please.

I owe an amends to an old friend whose sober birthday I missed.  I'm not wanting to make the call because I feel ashamed for missing it and ashamed that I lied about why I missed it.  I am telling you this because "MY" pattern is to allow myself to get bogged down in situations that bring me pain because somewhere in my heart I feel that when "daughter" is in pain it is wrong for me to be happy.  I am writing that for the sole benefit of co-dependents who need to know they are not alone.  It is the feeling that it is somehow unfair for us to enjoy any blessings in life when our loved one seems to be receiving none.  I strive for joy and peace in my life and then feel guilty as hell when I get it.

I truly believe that God knows these things and understands the pain in human emotions.  He soothes my spirit and gives me the peace in my heart that crave so I can go hit the shower, and start a new day and a new trip to daughters house.  I believe in miracles.


Marcia said...

I pray that you will feel the peace of His presence today, completely.

Lou said...

Sitting with someone in pain, listening, is not co dependent to me. Loving someone who carries extra burdens doesn't mean enabling to me. But it is tiring, so doing something extra special for Pammie at the end the day is not selfish, either.

I recently read a book about bipolar that had a chapter on knowing yourself. As in..we have to figure out how much care giving we are personally capable of. Some are able to be very self scarifying, some not at all. Most of us fall near the "sacrifice" level with children. I will say a prayer for L. tonight, when I'm at temple. God doesn't care where we pray, but I like to think He is pleased when I'm on my knees in a holy place.

Mary Christine said...

Pammie, I understand. But I hope you will be happy anyway. I <3 you.

Syd said...

Detachment is hard when the person is someone that is loved deeply. I know that loving a person who is troubled can suck the energy right out. An energy vampire can leave me feeling totally depleted if I try to take on their problems and solve them. I can be an ear and not feel that I have to be the solution. That has helped me a lot.
Love you, Pammie.

Annette said...

YES, thats all I can say. I hear you. Loud and clear. I remember a couple years ago when things were especially awful and I was desperate to figure out the fine line of detaching while still loving with my whole heart...I had this awareness, that I didn't want to go on ahead with out her. I didn't want to forge my way on in my own recovery and try to get healthy with out her and leave her behind. The idea of it was excruciating. Eventually I understood *in my mind* that to be of any service to her, I would need to be strong and healthy myself. As much as that is possible.

I just so get all of this Pam... The sucking us dry, and that God understands the whole big drama that it is He takes our mother's hearts and He holds them in the palm of His hand along with our kids who we love so much. Thank God! I love this post... I am glad that you are you and that you share here with all of us and I am glad that God is our strength!

Mary LA said...

Love to you and your daughter Pammie.