Thursday, August 18, 2011

Still Working Through It


Excellent speaker meeting last night! He is a sweet young man with four years clean and sober that I have watched since day one. His newborn baby tested positive for marijuana, the state took her and he had to come to meetings to get his paper signed in order to get her back. He was angry at his wife, himself and the world. Today he has a special calling to work with young parents in similar situations. The change has been awesome to watch. He is a family man today, a good man today, a sober man.

I am still angry at a guy from a meeting on Saturday. I have tried everything I know to do to get "over it." I have begun the last dreaded tool in my arsenal, which is to pray for him. I find it odd that I cannot seem drop it. I have such a wonderful scathing, guilt inflicting, accusatory, manipulative letter written to him in my head. In my practice scenarios (in my head) the speech I give him, leaves him crumbled on the floor with the realization of how wrong he is....good grief. This is something I cannot afford.

On the other hand........this is also one of my problems. Keeping quite. Never saying how I feel when a person says something out of line to me. Walking away and leaving the "appropriate" words unsaid. Making room for the "inappropriate" words to fester. It's a balance that I have not perfected.

I guess I'll hit the shower now.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Always is best to: "Think What You Say and Don't Say What You Think".

Mary Christine said...

Send me that guy's name, OK? I think I need to have a talk with him.

You will get it settled Pammie, this I know. God will help you.

Lou said...

yes, I daydream of "cutting them off at the knees" with my razor sharp wit..LOL.

But I (mostly) don't do it, unless the person is someone special to me (family, friend). Then I care that I'm understood, or that they know I have been hurt. With them, my words are taken in the right context. Everyone else..it doesn't matter if they understand me or not.

Granted, I try to take this attitude, but sometimes I care very much. I still remember that hurtful thing the guy that sat behind me in high school said:(

dAAve said...

I know you're gonna process this in the right way. I know this because you know how to work your program.

Until then, who is actually crumbled on the floor?

Syd said...

Toxic words said have hurt me, but mostly I realize now that the person delivering them is unaware and unconscious. Most of the time the angry words aren't really about me. I am just the person standing there who is convenient to be spewed on.

Marcia said...

In alanon we're told to mind our own business. We're told to look for our part in it.

But, we also have the slogan, "how important is it?"(maybe that's an AA slogan too?) so... if it's really, really, REALLY important....

Tabitha said...

Some we learn in our recovery is
how to communicate-directly.And
without the reactionary words but
sometimes - it is hard to claim at
the time of impact( when we get hurt).
Obsessing on what upsets us is also
a trait to learn to let go of.You know
you've not got the time to let somebody
keep you down for long Pam.Good for you.

Non of us have perfected anything..we are
learning-humbly.I like your way of writing.
It is honest-give yourself some credit for that.
xo

jessie said...

(wince) ooooohhhh what dAAve said.

I love you! I love that you write honestly about how this stuff still chaps your hide and how you move through life successfully even though it still happens.

Gives me hope!

((((((Pammie)))))))