Monday, August 8, 2011

Receiving Love



I woke up this morning trying to figure out how I would write this and I can not think of a way to say it without sounding stupid so I'll just write it real.  I ran into a woman at the convention who I have not seen since I was 10 years sober.  She is several years older than me and has 10 more years of sobriety than me.  When we saw each other, it was like a "running down the beach" towards each other, movie moment.  I did not want to let her go at the end of the convention.  When we stopped hugging and sat down, she started saying all these "things" about me from 10 years ago.  I immediately felt pain and defensiveness and wanted her to stop talking. She was saying how beautiful my spirit was, how I did not know how loved I was back then by that group and was oblivious to my own beauty........and all of a sudden I just calmed down and let her talk "good stuff about me."  I can not hear praise, it hurts me and I will change the subject and divert attention elsewhere immediately.  She talked love to me and I received it.  I genuinely received it.  It felt amazing and not shameful which is all I ever feel when someone speaks to me like this.  I told you it would sound stupid.

The convention was amazing, rejuvenating, and successful. 

9 comments:

Mary Christine said...

It does not sound stupid Pammie. I am glad you shared it.

dAAve said...

It certainly DOES NOT sound stupid. It sounds familiar.

Syd said...

I understand as I start to squirm with praise. I have felt like a false person for so long that it is difficult to accept any authenticity now.

Annette said...

Pam you never sound stupid. You come across as warm, real, and a comfort. Just receive it my dear. ;o)

I think so many of us can relate to this post. I'm glad you shared it too.

Kristin H. said...

Two thumbs up, Pammie. You deserve some lovin'.

Marcia said...

Doesn't sound stupid at all.

Lou said...

Pammie, you are beautiful! You reach out to others ALL the time. You have no idea how you have shaped my heart with Andrew, and at other times you have comforted me in the early, early a.m. as I sat down to my computer, knowing you were sitting down and sharing the same pains and joys of life. You have been a gift to me, and my family. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been touched by your warmth and karma for your fellow humans.

I would not be where I am today without the time you and MC and Scott and some others took with me. God bless people like you who have a genuine heart.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like step 7 to me :)
P

Lulu said...

Oh, I SO get that! Whenever I receive compliments, I automatically undermine it with something absurd. In my short time of sobriety (2 1/2 years but feels so new all the time), I am experiencing this amazing new thing: SPACE between my instinctive reaction and actually carrying it out. Who knew I could interrogate my reactions for their validity first?? Amazing, this slowly-blooming gift of sobriety.

Have a blissful sober day....