Friday, June 10, 2011

Moon Lickers


In yesterdays post I was trying to explain how strong of a feeling the "odd man out" can be.  I speak and write in analogies, why I don't know.  This is all on my mind because I am staring down another sober birthday and for some reason I am still trying to explain my addiction.

You are standing at the Lottery office waiting for them to open and you are secretly holding a 100 million dollar winning ticket.  That is the anticipation I felt every single time I smoked or banged dope.  In early recovery when people would say "you have so much to look forward to!"  Really?  Because obviously they have never stood with a 100 million dollar ticket and felt that kind of "looking forward to" before.

"My husband won't talk to me about his feelings and never helps around the house, so I shop."  Really?  One of my husbands died, one ran off with another woman and one stood me up on our wedding night, so shut up.

I understand believe me, when normies say that a big family gathering for the birthday party of the most precious three year old in the world is enormous fun and filled with love, but there were times when I was using that I flew through the air in glorious bursts of light, head up, arms back, through the atmosphere, stopping just short of the moon licking it and looking down on the earth.  Balloons just don't compare.

Little did I know of the amazing ride I would find in recovery with other moon lickers and the like. 

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

thank you. i get it.

Syd said...

I am a normie about drug addiction. But I do love your analogies.

Let Go, Let God said...

I can't believe that I would sit in a chair in the middle of an empty room, hallucinating that people where crawling through my third floor window, a 10 day run never turning on a light, licking the moon. This I considered the "Highlight" of my life. It's odd to think about that time because that was me but that was not me. I would die for that moment of escape. I am a chronic addict, so grateful to be free today.

Lou said...

It's confirmed-I'm a normie. The whole feeling, and especially the moon licking, does not sound like fun to me.

~ Tabitha ~ said...

Damn woman..you are a tough to be so honest.
And so thoughtful to feel you needed to apologies.
I don't think there's any need to apologize if you weren't out to offend anyone.You are entitled to your feelings..I'm sending you the love.xo

Marcia said...

Not sure it was your intent but when I got to, "so shut up." I laughed out loud.

Kristin H. said...

I understand the moon licking. But I'm not a normie, so there you go.

Anonymous said...

Wow, could you be more of an egomaniac? What about 'my worst day sober is better than my best day loaded'? I'm sure you've spewed that party line numerous times. And comparing your angst with your ex's to someone else's angst with theirs is sickening. Sorry but plenty of 'normies' have had hardship and loss but don't go jump in a bottle or stick a needle in their arm. They have coping skills, they have self-love and self-respect and a 'normie' sized ego that doesn't lead them to feel oh so sorry for themselves and resent and blame whomever because life just isn't going their way. But that's only because they don't have a disease, right? Pardon me. My bad.

Mary Christine said...

Happy Birthday my Pammie, Pammie, Pretty Petunia! 20 years! YAY!
Love,
Mary

kel said...

The analogy about the lottery ticket was really eye opening. When my son was alive and in treatment, his therapist told me he was one of the most addicted adolescents she had ever treated. Many of his friends have told me that when they were all hanging out and getting high, whether it was pot coke alcohol whatever, that my Prince was the one who always went a little further than the rest of them. I guess he was out there licking the moon too. I wish I didnt have to know it, but your description at least make it easier to understand. Thank you sweet Pammie...