After hearing a long 5th step yesterday, I'm reminded of the lengths an addict will go to avoid pain. I think the biggest tool in an addicts using box is the "pretend this is not happening" tool. Denial is too short a word for such a complex set of self lies.
You know the old saying "April showers bring May flowers?" That did not happen here in Houston so my garden hose is trying to bring about some May flowers.
I'm leaving Friday for North Carolina to see my brother and sister in law. My sister in law is in the program and she asked me to speak at her Saturday night speaker meeting and I said yes of course but what if they do it different there?
I've been reading a lot of parents of young addicts blogs and it's a lot of hope then crash then hope then anger then crash then hope. The "dope calling voice" in our heads never ever ever mentions consequences. When we are walking through a dark hallway and life is bleak or boring or scary or just hard, all of a sudden a beautiful set of french doors swing open with sunlight and birds singing and says "this way darling, this is the way out." Dope has a beautiful voice, smooth, silky and alluring and it seems so natural to walk thru the doors of such a pretty place. What about tomorrow? Oh, didn't you know? There is no tomorrow in the dope place. Tomorrow is just an illusion and there is no need to worry about that. Recovery, teaches us how to plug into God in order to not feel alone in the dark hallway so that we don't have to run toward the french doors.
5 comments:
I imagine that the North Carolina programmers are just excited to hear some new blood. Regardless of how they do it :)
Godspeed to you.
Good luck speaking - not that it's 'luck' involved ;)
Andrew still thinks tomorrow is an illusion. Parts of today have big gaping holes for him too.
Thanks for the photo. I like that. Hey, it is still the South and you will do just fine.
I am glad not to have experienced the alcohol or the dope voice. I experienced the other voice thought that told me to keep trying to be better because I needed to do that. I needed to strive harder. That was a seductive and infuriating voice too.
I know what you mean about avoidance, the "this is not happening" is a card I've played myself.
I will be praying for you as you travel to our side of the country, remember we're just a little further south so ... know that this coast is loving you and praying as you are visiting :)
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