Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sort of Stuck but Willing
I am hearing a 5th step in a couple of hours and that should really get me out of my own head. I have a room in my house that I use to hear 5th steps. It's a small room with lots of color and I burn sage and lavender smudge sticks before my sponsees arrive. It just feels comfy and safe in there to me for some reason and I think that feeling safe is paramount to spilling our guts.
I've been very disturbed by David Faber's book "Because of Romek: a Holocaust survivor's memoir". I could not pray yesterday for my children because I could not come to grips with my feelings of "where was God?" I feel a new sense of "I don't know God at all" feelings. I feel very human, very small and very much aware that I don't understand "holy" at all. I feel better this morning and was able to go to God with my normal routine of morning prayers but I am acutely aware of a sense of fear (of God) and the only way I know how to handle fear is to go to God so I feel little stuck. Working through this will be interesting to say the least.