Saturday, April 30, 2011

Sort of Stuck but Willing

Its very hard for me to blog when I have drama going on in my family.  I think I may need to find a safe place to talk about "my stuff."  Maybe a professional place.  I am carrying around 30 extra pounds this year and I swear all of it is unspoken words.
I am hearing a 5th step in a couple of hours and that should really get me out of my own head.  I have a room in my house that I use to hear 5th steps.  It's a small room with lots of color and I burn sage and lavender smudge sticks before my sponsees arrive.  It just feels comfy and safe in there to me for some reason and I think that feeling safe is paramount to spilling our guts.

I've been very disturbed by David Faber's book "Because of Romek: a Holocaust survivor's memoir".  I could not pray yesterday for my children because I could not come to grips with my feelings of "where was God?"  I feel a new sense of "I don't know God at all" feelings.  I feel very human, very small and very much aware that I don't understand "holy" at all.  I feel better this morning and was able to go to God with my normal routine of morning prayers but I am acutely aware of a sense of fear (of God) and the only way I know how to handle fear is to go to God so I feel little stuck.  Working through this will be interesting to say the least.

10 comments:

Kristin H. said...

Just keep doing what your doing, and let us know what happens when you get on the other side. I've been reading you long enough to know that you always get to the other side.

Go in peace.

~dawn said...

We've (a few of us in recovery) just created a private forum where confidentiality is paramount; we're reading and discussing "Self-Copmpassion" by Kristin Neff
The majority of the participants are licensed therapists. If this is something you may be interested in, please email me:
dawnmfischer@charter.net

Marcia said...

hope it's ok if others pray for you

Let Go, Let God said...

"Sort of Stuck but Willing" describes exactly where I am today. Thank you for writing. Different but not different, it's nice to know I am not alone.

Lou said...

Read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" if you haven't already. He was a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor. He saw first hand the people who survived were ones who could take themselves away from reality and live in their own mental and spiritual world. The ones who had no faith or belief, quickly became sick and died. It's way more complicated than that, but I hope you get my drift.

Sober Julie said...

Praying for you, I know you'll get to the other side of this and look forward to you sharing.

Syd said...

I think that God was there to be in the hearts of those who lived and died. The crazy people who commit genocide remind me that we need to feel compassion and tolerance.

Your fifth step room sounds great.

dAAve said...

God (as I understand Him) allows each man/woman to behave as he/she pleases. How else can so many thousands of years be explained?

Patty said...

I used to wonder to because of all the horrible things I endured as a child at the hand of those more powerful than myself. As I grew older and would look at a four or seven year old child I would be so angry, at God and the entire human race. I know today that God has been with me the whole time. I would put that book down. It's OK. Have you ever read "The Shack"? That book really brought it all home for me, and back to God in a whole way way. I love you Pammie <3

Patty said...

I meant new way, not way way, LOL!