Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Weary but grateful

There are two guys running most of the other guys off from my home group. Maybe I've known this and did not want to confront them, maybe I used them to practice "live and let live."  It's all of a sudden very obvious to me and I don't have a clue how to handle it.  It may not even be my issue to handle, but then again, I'm getting an awful lot of phone calls about them.  I'll pray about that situation.

I'm really tired of this fat girl phase I've been in and want it to go away.  I'm really tired of this not going to the doctor phase I've been in and I want it to go away as well.  I'm really kind of tired of me lately.  I'm kind of stuck.  I'm really tired of not addressing the stuck place.  It's like there is a whole lot of me to deal with and I would rather turn my attention to others.  Sometimes this is good and sometimes it causes me to fall behind in my own care.  It's like getting behind in the laundry so far that it seems like an impossible job to catch up.  That's where I am with my health.....there are just too many things that need my attention and all of them will require me to take time off of work and cost money.  I'll pray about this as well.

I was so surprised at the amount of birthday wishes I got here yesterday!  I rather enjoyed that!

I have a lot of faulty wiring in my head.  I did not live an admirable life before I got sober, and I made a lot of bad decisions during the first 10 years of sobriety and beyond.  God makes room for the willing I guess because he still keeps the obsession to use at bay, and has all the power necessary to help me out of this stuck place as soon as I'm willing enough.  I'm so grateful to be sober and have a chance at something better.

10 comments:

Mary Christine said...

I have faulty wiring too - it's still faulty. Any day I act like a normal human being is miraculous. But I have a bunch of stuff I don't want to deal with too. Most of mine is money related.

Lou said...

My faulty wiring is wanting to fix people who feel stuck.

Annette said...

Faulty wiring....yep. I'm there too. I love your honesty and your humility Pam. I think that is a beautiful part of being willing. It refreshes me every time I get a glimpse of those character qualities in your blog.

dAAve said...

Faulty wiring.
Hell, I short-circuit every day or 2. Sometimes, just for the fun of it.

I understand the thing about being non-confrontational.

Syd said...

My wiring is different. I'm not sure about the faultiness of it since I am still walking around. But it is definitely can short circuit at times.

Lulu said...

I'm with everyone else here ~ faulty wiring to the core! Though lately, I actually see it as just "different" wiring. But it's the kind of different wiring that makes it very hard for me to function well, live like a responsible adult, and make good decisions. Thank god for AA meetings. Often, just being reminded that I am wired differently gives me enormous perspective. I tend to slow down, go easier on myself, and remember that I need to ask for help and advice with most of my actions. SO helpful!!!

Mary LA said...

Dealing with bullies, not easy. I have a few things I am not looking at either. Sigh.

Maija said...

Belated birthday wishes! I realized I needed to clean up the toxic life I was living do I went to www.wholeliving.com and started the 28 day detox plan. I can't believe how good I feel ands it's only been 2.5 weeks!! The first weekl was a wicked bitch though!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Oh Oh OH happy belated Birthday!!!!!!!

I feel you today sista... I am willing to be willing, if I only knew what my unwillingness was...

I'm so exhausted from working hard to just keep up with the simplest of stuff.

I feel like it's all catty-wompus and wrong, and yet God's movement in my life still Awe's me, I just feel so disconnected from it all. Working working, observing observing, but not connected.

I'm grateful for all of you!

tearlessnights said...

I love that you call it "faulty wiring"... that seems to have resonated with a LOT of people, not just me! My therapist always says the first stage of health is awareness and you've got THAT in spades!... so I'd say you are more than half way to healthy! - HAHA!
Keep on keepin' on!
xo