Wednesday, December 7, 2011

sigh

I spent 2 hours talking my sober daughter off the ledge last night.  The ledge was her bed but she's been in it for days.  Nine months of doctors experimenting with different drugs trying to stabilize her has been a nightmare.  I did the strong Mama stuff with her and talked, encouraged, scolded, bathed her, made her soup, and then left her with her husband to contend with her.  She has an appointment with her psych team this morning but personally I hold no hope at this point for any med change help.  It was determined that one of her psych meds is what caused the breathing incident that had her on a ventilator last month. She has also gone from 104lbs to 160lbs.  She will be 30 years old next week.  Merciful God in Heaven can't this precious child catch a break????????  When I drove off from her house I had to pull off the road to cry.  It's the "only a mother understands" type of crying when you see your child in pain and have no power to make them well.  I want her husband to love her like I do, but I know that's not possible, I know it's not his fault that he has grown so weary of her illness.  Crap.......can't write anymore on this topic....tears welling.

OK...the world will still go forward today as if my daughter is not the center of it and so I must go forward with it.  This day will hold lots of good stuff and my job is to be open to it.

10 comments:

Mary LA said...

Pam I feel so for you and your daughter -- nothing helpful to say, just sending love.

Syd said...

I hope that she will listen to you and get out of bed to start living. And I hope that she gets a medication change. Take care, Pammie. You are a good, fierce loving mother.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

oh pammie, I'm still praying for you and your family, your daughter and her husband.

Sometimes it's REALLY hard to be still and know, especially when the world is so un-interpretable according to our idea of God (that is... my idea of what God should be doing) But thankfully the God idea is bigger and we have room to grow and love even when it seems like stuff is falling apart. <3

Anonymous said...

i do not know of a more intense pain than a parent watching a child suffer. and this time of year just makes it worse somehow. i read here once that faith in God also includes faith in his timing. that is the hard part. take care of yourself...sending my prayers.

Lou said...

Pammie, you have been my guide in my own journey. God gave you a beautiful, strong pair of shoulders to carry the weight for her when she just can't. She must be so scared. I pray those doctors are gentle with her today.

Annette said...

OMG Pam...this is my life with my daughter. Although she is still using/self medicating in a big way. But when we go to the dr they just view her as some drug addict trying to get drugs.

I am praying for your daughter especially today. And yes. I KNOW that mama cry! I know it well!! And yes, I pray those dr's are gentle and take her seriously.

I LOVE that you went over and bathed her and made her soup. I NEVER know if I am enabling or being a mom when I do stuff like that. When I love her like that. But I can't handle the drugs either....not in my house. Such a freaking mess. Thank you for sharing this. I really respect you and your opinions on recovery, so there is just some comfort in knowing that you are doing this journey too in a very real way with one of your kids. And it hurts like holy hell....

dAAve said...

Hugs.

Patty said...

I'm sorry.....

Anna said...

I have been in your shoes too. Sometimes a day or so makes a huge difference. I will pray for you. You have been a big help to me.

Barbara said...

I can almost hear the tears in your words. Nothing hurts more than seeing your child suffer, nothing. It must be so frustrating for you and her that there hasn't been a good choice of meds for her, what does a person have to do to get the right meds????? Suffer, that's what. I'm so sorry your beautiful girl has to suffer. I hope her husband can grow more compassionate. Sometimes men get weird when they are really scared.