Wednesday, July 20, 2011
"I don't give a shit." This is not a true statement but one I am trying desperately to believe in. A hermit on a mountain top is my most enviable character these days but I would probably end up making friends with some wild animals that would then get caught in some hideous steel trap and I would be forced to shoot them to save them from agony. Yes, I can even play out scenarios that have no chance of happening and yes there will always be great pain in the end.
Intellectually, I know that I have to be in this bad place until I am no longer in this bad place. My spirit however, is trying every angle in the world to get out of it, to feel better for the moment, to escape the responsibility of figuring a healthy way out.
Bad timing has arranged for me to have a "family meeting" this morning with my daughter and her therapist. This is not good. I have a predisposed need to try and make therapists cry. I have no idea where this comes from and no idea how to fight it. I "must" be my regular self this morning in order to help my daughter but I'll be damned if I can find my regular self any where in this mess of nerves and discombobulated feelings. All I really want to do is make this therapist aware that I think she is screwing up my daughter big time with her inadequate abilities whether that is true or not.
I am being driven by a hundred forms of fear. I regret ten thousand decisions I've made in my life and every day I make more. I am seeing every thing that happens ONLY as it relates to me and all the tools I have to get out of me are just too damn heavy to pick up.
Things will change. They always do. But damn.....hurry the hell up already!