Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Damn


"I don't give a shit."  This is not a true statement but one I am trying desperately to believe in.  A hermit on a mountain top is my most enviable character these days but I would probably end up making friends with some wild animals that would then get caught in some hideous steel trap and I would be forced to shoot them to save them from agony.  Yes, I can even play out scenarios that have no chance of happening and yes there will always be great pain in the end.

Intellectually, I know that I have to be in this bad place until I am no longer in this bad place.  My spirit however, is trying every angle in the world to get out of it, to feel better for the moment, to escape the responsibility of figuring a healthy way out. 

Bad timing has arranged for me to have a "family meeting" this morning with my daughter and her therapist.  This is not good.  I have a predisposed need to try and make therapists cry.  I have no idea where this comes from and no idea how to fight it.  I "must" be my regular self this morning in order to help my daughter but I'll be damned if I can find my regular self any where in this mess of nerves and discombobulated feelings.  All I really want to do is make this therapist aware that I think she is screwing up my daughter big time with her inadequate abilities whether that is true or not.

I am being driven by a hundred forms of fear.  I regret ten thousand decisions I've made in my life and every day I make more.  I am seeing every thing that happens ONLY as it relates to me and all the tools I have to get out of me are just too damn heavy to pick up.

Things will change.  They always do.  But damn.....hurry the hell up already!

10 comments:

Kristin H. said...

Please don't make the therapist cry.

(((Pammie)))

Lou said...

Time consuming, difficult, frustrating, heart breaking..I feel where you are at. But as mothers we will not stop advocating for them when they cannot do for themselves.

Praying for you today.

Mary Christine said...

Being a mother sometimes means a whole lot of pain. Please take care of Pammie too.

And if you want to be polite to the therapist, I can come and make her cry. Just let me know...

Syd said...

The therapist is someone's daughter too. Compassion is a good thing. I hope that the hundred forms of fear are driven away by your Higher Power. Ask Him and the solution will be clear.

Todd HellsKitchen said...

"Awareness (sic) is the answer to all our problems today". You'll be fine, Sweetheart!

Sober Julie said...

Praying for you to get out of your own head and pick up those heavy tools. Just pray for willingness to be humble and find the positive. If you respond with His love it will be clear. I'm echoing what Syd said.

Annette said...

((HUG)) Pammie, some times are just so hard. I love what Lou and Syd said too.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

FEAR (fu.. everything and run) yup ... mountaintops sometimes look like such a good idea, but then comes the a-loneliness and that still small nigging feeling (That always comes in a-loneliness) like we've somehow made a wrong turn at Albuquerque and that will not do because then our heads are a torrent of brainstorms and the committee is all grabbing on dragging us down while all we're trying to do is hang onto the mountaintop and keep from sliding down to ...

Well you know.

Thank God you really do know.

I hate therapists too... they bring out my inner fight club. Maybe it's because knowing myself really never did work for me.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I forgot to say....

(((((PAMMIE)))))

Love you! and thank you!

Patty said...

Any therapist worth their salt should be able to take it. Just my opinion :)