Thursday, June 30, 2011
Alcoholism is Exhausting
Ritual……..quickly, before the man, the kids, the dog start “needing” every damn ounce of energy she has to get them all in bed.
She closes the bathroom door, steps into the tub and takes her dollar store coffee saucer off of the window ledge. Rinse it quickly, take the tank cover off the back of the toilet, reach in the cold water, and pull out the vodka. Pour the vodka into the saucer, ¼ of the way to the top………..no make that ½ way to the top……….well no, might as well fill it to the top. Carefully……..quickly set the saucer on the window ledge….it’s chin high….so she has to be very careful not to spill it. She reaches under the bathroom sink, pulls out the wax paper roll………..tears enough off to cover the saucer……she doesn’t want a re-play of the “dead fly in the vodka” scene. Ok…..done……ready……whew.
Ritual……..alarm clock………get up –get-up-get-up…….quickly before the man, the kids, the dog start “needing” every damn ounce of energy she has to get them all started on their day.
She closes the bathroom door, turns on the shower, steps in and places her hands on the same two shower tiles as she did the day before, and the day before that, and the month before that. She lets the shower hit her in the back of her head, while she bends over the drain as she throws up the remainder of last nights vodka, that never quite made it through all the body’s machinery. Here come the shakes…….but she smiles, because she is so efficient, and brilliant, and has mastered this moment for more mornings than she can remember. She moves her shaking hands along the wet tiles in the shower, until she reaches the window ledge. She no longer has to worry about spilling the morning medicine……she removes the wax paper with her teeth, lets it fall into the tub, puts her teeth along the rim of the saucer and tilts it down to let it flow…..and it is good, it is good, all is good.
Alcoholism is exhausting.
People will do anything, no matter how absurd,in order to avoid facing their own soul.
~Carl Gustav Jung