Thursday, June 30, 2011

Alcoholism is Exhausting

Ritual……..quickly, before the man, the kids, the dog start “needing” every damn ounce of energy she has to get them all in bed.

She closes the bathroom door, steps into the tub and takes her dollar store coffee saucer off of the window ledge. Rinse it quickly, take the tank cover off the back of the toilet, reach in the cold water, and pull out the vodka. Pour the vodka into the saucer, ¼ of the way to the top……… make that ½ way to the top……….well no, might as well fill it to the top. Carefully……..quickly set the saucer on the window ledge….it’s chin high….so she has to be very careful not to spill it. She reaches under the bathroom sink, pulls out the wax paper roll………..tears enough off to cover the saucer……she doesn’t want a re-play of the “dead fly in the vodka” scene. Ok…..done……ready……whew.

Ritual……..alarm clock………get up –get-up-get-up…….quickly before the man, the kids, the dog start “needing” every damn ounce of energy she has to get them all started on their day.

She closes the bathroom door, turns on the shower, steps in and places her hands on the same two shower tiles as she did the day before, and the day before that, and the month before that. She lets the shower hit her in the back of her head, while she bends over the drain as she throws up the remainder of last nights vodka, that never quite made it through all the body’s machinery. Here come the shakes…….but she smiles, because she is so efficient, and brilliant, and has mastered this moment for more mornings than she can remember. She moves her shaking hands along the wet tiles in the shower, until she reaches the window ledge. She no longer has to worry about spilling the morning medicine……she removes the wax paper with her teeth, lets it fall into the tub, puts her teeth along the rim of the saucer and tilts it down to let it flow…..and it is good, it is good, all is good.

Alcoholism is exhausting.

People will do anything, no matter how absurd,in order to avoid facing their own soul.

~Carl Gustav Jung


dAAve said...

Yep. That brings back some memories of the good old days.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Oh the truth in this is astounding and gut-wrenching isn't it! It's so great to read this now, with the ability to be here, present in the morning, taking full clean breaths, coffee in hand realizing, today I'm sober, I am serene and I'm free of that obsession and compulsion. (((Big deep sighing breath))) I am free.

:) Have an awesome awesome day Pammie!

Anonymous said...

Add to this the tape that plays in every alcoholic's head as to why this behavior is justified.

I hope your day is not exhausting.

Syd said...

It truly must be. I cannot imagine doing that.

Lou said...

I'm with Syd.

Bless those still suffering.

Sober Julie said...

Well written, stuffing down all those feelings that came with the actions and I was exhausted.
Thank God there is a solution, praying that all those still out there find it.

kel said...

How profound.

Mary Christine said...

Ah, my favorite morning drinking venue - the bathroom.

Fey said...

Yes, it is exhausting being an addict. Your drug is the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing you do before you go to sleep. You have to plan your day around your habit's schedule, budget your money so you can sustain your habit as long as possible, nurture the relationships that will support your habit, detach from the ones that will fight against it, and always think about how and when and where you will be able to get more when you need it. It is your one true love and the only thing you love. It is the only thing you ever want to do and nothing else is ever as good or as fun or as satisfying or as necessary. It is the reason you live and it keeps you alive and after a while it becomes your life. And it is draining because it is always pushing you forward, harder and harder, faster and faster. It is always pestering you. It is always weighing on your shoulders. It never allows you to just be still and content and at peace. It never gives you even a moment of silence. It never lets you rest or breathe or take a break. But you can’t let go of it – you wouldn't even know what to do without it. You don't even know who you are without it because it's taken you over. You are no longer you - you don't have hobbies or interests or friends or family or dreams or goals or ambitions. You are just a vessel for the addiction, empty and hollow. And you are really fucking tired. And it's at those moments of realization that you start to wonder if it's all really worth it in the end. If all the effort is really worth the reward, if the price you pay to feed your addiction is worth what it gives you in return... and then you finally get that beautiful wonderful amazing feeling again. And suddenly you know – absolutely positively in the deepest crevice of your soul - that it is. Even if it’s really not.

Let Go, Let God said...

Life was crazy then but I talked myself into thinking it was normal. This is all I need, I said, but it was never enough. Today I am blessed with a daily reprieve from active addiction. Thank you God. And thank you for the reminder of my freedom.