Tuesday, April 23, 2013

WARNING: Profanity...the real kind

I have been playing host to a very bad crowd.  They have set up housekeeping in my head and because they seemed so cool and fun, I decided to set up camp with them and join in.  It seems however, that it is a very difficult club to leave.  I may have to fight my way out.  I could ask for help, but well, that's laughable right?

This genderless voice moved in to my brain right before Christmas.  When anything unpleasant came up like not picking up a cigarette or not secretly eating or paying bills or cleaning house, etc. it would say, in the coolest voice; "phew, fuck that shit. fuck 'em all."  It started making me feel brave, then sort of bad ass.  Yeah, I would think to myself, hell yeah, fuck that shit, I can do what I want, fuck 'em all.  Oh we became very good friends and four months after my COPD diagnoses, I began to smoke again and twice as much as before.  Because......well, fuck 'em all.  I then gained 50 lbs. mostly from secretly eating.  I did not eat alone, I was with Mr. Fuck 'em all.  He's so accepting of my flaws.  He's so non-judgmental.  He scares the shit out of me.

I am just fighting a demon but strangely enough I really like him.....cause "fuck that shit" is sort of an easy way to live......until it isn't.


5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed reading your blog in the past. I was feeling a little depressed today and was so happy to read your blog again. It really gave me a lift! Thanks

Syd said...

Well, I hope that you won't fuck everything because your health depends on your taking care of you. Hope that is still an option. The voices in the head can be wild, can't they?

Mary LA said...

Been there too with the old 'fuck this' thinking, Pammie -- you can do this.

A big hug on Tuesday.

SoberMomWrites said...

Hey! I know him! I kicked him out a while ago (although he does tend to come back from time to time...might need a restraining order).

He sucks. Stay away. Kick him to the curb.

Sherry

Anonymous said...

oh just hearing your honest voice is so so good.